Help a loved one?

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Good evening, 66.1ers.

Was thinking recently about why so many people struggle to fix their health. Then read this from Rick Roberge. Reminded me of so many conversations I’ve witnessed that made me cringe. 

Friends and family members who are well-intentioned. Want the people they love to be healthy and happy. Leads them to make unsolicited comments when they notice a loved one has added a few pounds (great way to ruin a holiday gathering!). Stuff like…

“Have you gained a few pounds?”

“Are you getting ready to hibernate?”

“You sure you need a second helping?”

All this is code for 1 of 2 things:

Either
a) You’re trying to make yourself feel better by pointing out their shortcomings. Same stuff bullies do (unlikely, but it happens).

Or
b) You’re trying to help them, but you’re botching it. STOP!

Ever hear of intent vs impact?

At this point, what ends up happening is:

1. Loved one thinks you’re kind of a turd for mentioning what’s going on with them, out of the blue (and are they wrong?).

2. If they went and fixed what’s going on (assuming they agree that there is something to fix), might you end up thinking that you did the right thing, helped them, might even have saved their life, with your commentary?

3. Wouldn’t it suck for them if, for the rest of your relationship, you thought that what you were doing was helpful and you kept doing it?

4. With 1-3 in mind…are you surprised that it doesn’t work, that they keep going in the same direction and the thing you think needs fixing gets worse?

Don’t you see the issue there?
You’re trying to impart your desires on them.
You’re being selfish. 

How to help?
What to do instead?

Listen for “change talk”.
Stuff like, “I need to lose weight”, “I’d love to be able to go on a run again”, or “I’ve lost it before, know how to do it, sure wish I could keep it off!”

Then?

Probably a good idea NOT to try taking this conversation all the way to the end by yourself (especially if they’re a family member/significant other).
You hire a mechanic when your car needs help, a plumber when you’ve got a leaky pipe.
There are professionals for this kind of thing, too.

Here’s a line you might want to try:

“I can hear that you want things to be different. I’m rooting for you. This isn’t my area of expertise, but it’s something I’ve read a lot about. Mind if I share a resource, maybe even make an introduction?”

If they trust you a little and are sick of what’s going on, they’ll say yes.
If they don’t say yes, you’re done.
Done!
Entirely. 

If they say yes, you say:
“I read this newsletter. Called 66.1. I’ll forward you an issue that might be helpful.”

Then…

Forward this to them! cc me if you think it might be helpful. 

BUT!
Don’t do that unless they’ve said they want to fix what’s going on.
If they don’t want to fix it, there’s nothing to fix. 

One more time:
If they don’t want to fix it, there’s nothing to fix.

Was this forwarded to you? Want to fix your health?
Book a time if you want to talk?

Have fun out there.

Marcus